The Art of Losing the Game - 12:59 pm - 09-05-2008
What is the Game?
The game is social interaction, it’s played everywhere. Whenever you interact with another person you are playing the game, and as a result you can win or lose.
The Objective of the Game
The objective of the game, is to leave a social situation with everyone (especially yourself) being better of than previously. Thus, to lose the game is to make as many people as possible feel uncomfortable and awkward, and make yourself appear like a tit. There will always be some winners in a situation, often these are the spectators. However, to be the real loser, everyone losing must associate this status with your actions.
I will now explain how to maximise your chances of loss.
Tip 1: Play the odds
You’re a lone mercenary and you’re facing an army. The result is in the bag.
Whenever you enter a social situation, ensure that you’re alone. Any allies you have may help you, and prevent you losing. Moreover, it is vital that across from you is one, or more, members of an deeply linked information network. They must be in constant communication with one another, and be able to relay your every move between them. If they know what makes you fall, they can trip you up at the right moment.
Why would they want to do this though? By losing, you also bring some of them down don’t you?
Imagine the army again. Alone, you manage to get one or two shots in at a couple of enemy soldiers, but when you’ve been taken down any casualties can be remedied at the military hospital.
It’s a price worth paying.
Tip 2: Play blindfolded
Inebriation. Every move you make must be quickly forgotten so it is impossible to devise a long-spanning strategy. If you don’t remember what happened last turn, you have no hope of making the right move on your current go. Say embarrassing things (in person, SMS or phone) and then forget you ever did. That way you can’t ameliorate the situation at a later date, it can only deteriorate.
Advanced Tip: Leave the blindfold at home and bring virtual reality goggles. Instead of being unable to remember your last turn, create false memories. You could associate things that you’ve said to the opposite team. For example, if you ask to resume play the next day, give yourself the impression that she had made the request. This puts you in a stronger position in your mind, and a weaker one in hers. This is false confidence. And you are doomed to fail.
Tip 3: Use faulty equipment
Your dice must always roll 1s. Or zeros if possible. You must remember that no matter how skilled you are in the art of losing, good luck can ruin your chances. Don’t let his happen. For example if the game is played in a chat-up situation your equipment should be silence. This creates awkwardness, and may even prevent the opposition realising she’s playing.
If she wins then so do you. This makes the game different to all others. So if you want to lose you must work against her.
Advanced Tip: Dice that roll 1s are good. A dice roll of minus-6 is brilliant. If you want to take losing to the next stage don’t just play against her winning strategy, play against your own. While a blunt knife may be a weak weapon, a sharp knife, if in your own chest, is much worse. To return to the chat-up situation, a good way of both creating awkwardness on her behalf whilst also making you seem like a tit would be to say “Heaven must be missing an angel if you’re down here,” or slightly more subtley: “You’re a nice person.” If the bomb is programmed to only explode in your hands, you have no hope of victory.
Tip 4: Always assume you’re winning
No matter how badly you’re doing you can always do worse, and by believing you’re doing well you can raise yourself for a deeper fall.
Take everything as a mini-victory, an indicator of interest (phone number, kiss, business proposal) or an arrangement for a second meeting is probably a sign that things are going well, but it may be a red herring. Either way, take this opportunity to pick up the pace with the previous tips and you’re sure to plummet.
Tip 5: Never question the strategy
This is, arguably, the most important of all the tips. If you follow the previous three then you can rest assured that you’re onto a loser. The only risk comes with lack of confidence. If for a moment you question your strategy then you might accidentally produce a better one.
Be wary of this, even the biggest losers can accidentally win.
I have managed to combine all these tips into on strategy, which I have used recently. Yes, it was effective. Yes, I now look like a tit to a fair few people. Yes, I need to work out how to get out of it.
